Chaldea Cafeteria
The fluorescent lights of Chaldea’s cafeteria hummed softly, casting a sterile glow over the usual chaos. Emiya stood behind the counter, wiping a glass with the resigned air of a man who had seen too much. Gilgamesh lounged nearby, sipping wine like this was his personal theater. Kintoki, Karna, and Cu Chulainn were gathered around a table, halfway through a card game that had devolved into competitive flexing. And then… there was Artoria.
She had just returned from back-to-back Singularity cleanups—dragged through deserts, forests, and one particularly annoying pocket dimension full of sentient cabbages. All she wanted was a burger. A single, glorious, grease-dripping monument to human (or Servant) indulgence. But fate, it seemed, had other plans.
"Emiya," Artoria said, her voice eerily calm. "A hamburger. Now."
Emiya sighed, rubbing his temple. "Look, I already told you—we’re out. No burgers. No fries. Not even a sad, lonely onion ring."
Artoria’s eye twitched. She had heard this song before. The "there’s no more food" song. The same song he sang when she tried to eat her body weight in curry. "You’re lying."
"I’m really not."
She leaned in, her shadow stretching ominously across the counter. "Prove it."
Emiya gestured helplessly at the empty kitchen. "What do you want me to do, summon a burger out of my Reality Marble?"
Gilgamesh chuckled into his wine. "Pathetic. If you had but asked, mongrel, I could have provided a feast fit for a king."
Artoria ignored him. Her stomach growled—a sound so loud it momentarily silenced the room. Kintoki winced. Cu choked on his drink. Karna blinked slowly, as if calculating the exact moment this would escalate into violence.
Then… salvation. A scent. The divine aroma of beef, cheese, and toasted buns. Artoria’s head snapped toward the source like a shark detecting blood in the water.
There, in the corner, sat Mordred. Happy. Carefree. Blissfully unaware of the doom approaching her. And in her hands? The last burger in Chaldea. A towering masterpiece of junk food, its juices glistening under the light like the Holy Grail itself.
Artoria’s spear materialized with a shing that made everyone at the table freeze mid-flex. Her shadow loomed over Mordred, her eyes glowing like a demon’s.
Mordred, mouth full, looked up. "Hm?"
One hand clamped around Mordred’s face, lifting her off the ground like a misbehaving kitten. The other gripped Rhongomyniad so tightly the air around it crackled.
"M-Mmph!?" Mordred’s legs kicked uselessly, her cheeks squished into a pout. The burger dangled precariously between her fingers.
Emiya pinched the bridge of his nose. "Oh for—not again."
Gilgamesh smirked. "Entertaining."
Kintoki let out a low whistle. "Yikes."
Cu just grinned. "Ten QP says Mordred loses the burger."
Karna sighed. "That’s not even a bet. It’s a fact."
Artoria’s voice was sweet. Dangerously sweet. "Mordred. Where did you get that?"
Mordred’s eyes darted left, then right, then to the burger—now the most contested item in all of human history. "Uh… f-found it?"
The spear’s tip inched closer. "Try again."
Mordred swallowed hard. "…Emiya gave it to me?"
Emiya threw his hands up. "I DID NOT."
Artoria’s grip tightened. Mordred’s face turned red. "Okay, okay! I—I might have… taken it… from the fridge…?"
"I should’ve eaten faster."
