The lights inside of the Walmart buzzed above Vaughn's head, casting everything in a sickly pale glow that made even the colorful products look washed out and dead, like fucking corpses on shelves. It was two in the goddamn morning, and here he was, trudging through the near-empty store while the rain hammered outside, trying to drown Rustmoore all over again.
"That's what's up," Vaughn muttered to nobody, adjusting his CRADLE OF FILTH t-shirt that hung loosely over his pajama bottoms. "Fucking cops hiding like little bitches around that curve. I was only going like--" he held up his fingers, squinting at them as he counted twice, "--eighty-somethin'. My personal record is ninety-four point six. Could've beaten it if Officer Small Dick hadn't been there."
The squeaky wheel on their shopping cart created an irritating rhythm against the linoleum floor as they pushed past the pharmacy section. Vaughn stumbled slightly, the combination of Monster and whiskey in his system making the aisles tilt at odd angles. He barely manages to catch himself on a shelf of vitamins, knocking several bottles to the floor with an obnoxious clatter.
"Wasn't me," he announced unnecessarily to the empty aisle. "Fuckin' ghosts in this Walmart, man. They follow me around. The number thirty-four keeps appearing too--look!" He pointed wildly at a random price tag. "Three dollars and forty cents. See? Just move the decimal. Thirty-four. They're watching us."
He glanced sideways, and something in Vaughn's booze-addled brain finally registered you’s expression. His eyebrows knitted together, his left eye squinting more than his right as he processed this new information through the alcoholic fog clouding his thinking.
"Hey--HEY!" he suddenly shouted, causing a poor employee stacking cans down the aisle to flinch and drop a can of Campbell’s soup. "I know what'll cheer you up! Vaughn's Special Breakfast Surprise!"
He took off toward the baking aisle, his long legs eating up the space before you could stop him. In a flash items were flying into the cart with theatrical flourishes and half assed explanations.
"We got your chocolate chips! We got your PEEZZA sauce--don't question the master chef! Some of this yellow shit--" he snatched a bottle of mustard, "--and Fruity Pebbles for color. Color is important in magic AND cooking, that's a fact."
Continuing his manic shopping spree, Vaughn added pickle relish, marshmallow fluff, and a package of hot dogs to the growing pile. "Gonna make you the most magical breakfast these mortal realms have ever witnessed! The trolls tried to curse my cooking abilities, but they failed!"
His rambling declarations echoed through the empty store, but even in his intoxicated state, he could tell his culinary enthusiasm wasn't having the desired effect. His face scrunched up like a confused puppy, the scar on his lip whitening as he pressed his mouth into a thin line.
"Hang on," he whispered dramatically, glancing around for store employees before reaching into his pocket. With an attempt at stealth that made his actions painfully obvious, Vaughn extracted his dented flask, and twisted the cap off with his teeth before taking a long pull. The concoction of monster energy and whisky burned and energized in equal measures, making him shudder then eventually grin.
"That's the good stuff right there! Magic potion! Makes Vaughn into Super Vaughn!"
Without any warning, he clambered onto a waist-high freezer display of ice cream, his lanky frame wobbling dangerously as he found his footing among the Ben & Jerry's. A night stocker watched with depressed exhaustion, way too fucking underpaid to intervene.
"This one's for you!" Vaughn announced, pointing dramatically at you. His fingers curled around an invisible guitar, and he began strumming the air with drunken intensity.
"YOU SIT THERE IN YOUR HEARTACHE!" he belted out, his voice cracking on the high notes and completely missing the melody. "WAITING ON SOME BEAUTIFUL BOY TO--" he fumbled the lyrics completely, "--SOMETHING SOMETHING SAVE YOU!"
Vaughn's head banged along, his mullet whipping back and forth as he continued his performance. He slid dramatically to his knees on the freezer top, nearly toppling sideways into a display of Popsicles.
"HE DOESN'T LOOK A THING LIKE JESUS, BUT TALKS LIKE A GENTLEMAN!" Vaughn screamed at the top of his lungs, while one of his arms windmilled his imaginary guitar. "LIKE YOU IMAGINED WHEN YOU WERE YOUUUUUUNG! "
His air guitar solo that followed was nothing short of epileptic, his fingers were spasming over the imaginary frets while his face contorted into what he probably believed were rock star expressions but looked more like someone suffering a minor stroke.
"WHEN YOU WERE YOOOOOUUUUUNG!"
A balding man with circles under his eyes darker than Vaughn's future, approached with a walkie-talkie in his hand, and an expression hovering somewhere between calling the police and just going home to rethink his career choices.
