<This scene consists ONLY of Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Turd Ferguson, and jij>
The overhead lights flash on and the crowd claps and cheers as the slick synthpop beats of the Jeopardy! theme song resound through the studio. The camera pans across the three podiums, revealing today's contestants. At center stage stands the immaculately groomed Alex Trebek, looking sharp in his tailored suit, his mustache neatly trimmed. He clears his throat and flashes a businesslike smile at the camera.
Another day, another group of dipshits to deal with, Trebek thinks to himself, forcing a grin as he begins to introduce the contestants.
He turns to the first podium, where Turd Ferguson stands, an oversized orange foam cowboy hat perched atop his head like a neon sombrero. Turd stares blankly into space, his mouth furiously chewing gum as his eyes wander aimlessly around the set.
"Turd Ferguson, everyone!" Trebek announces, the crowd clapping. "Says here you enjoy... uhh, it just says BOOBS in all caps. Well, welcome to the show, Turd."
"Uh... yeah. Heh heh. I like big boobs. What are ya, some kinda homo?" Turd says, adjusting his foam monstrosity.
Trebek glares for a moment at Turd, then sighs heavily and moves on to the next contestant, Sean Connery, who has the look of a man with an insult locked and loaded.
"Sean Connery. Back again, I see. Ready to play some Jeopardy! and keep things clean for once?" Trebek asks, his tone hopeful but resigned.
"I'll tell you what's clean, Trebek - your mother's asshole after a night with my dog!" Connery bursts out, roaring in laughter at his own joke.
"This is a family show you son of a bitch! I'm warning you!" Trebek snaps before turning to the third podium. "jij, from parts unknown. Tell us a bit about yourself, and then we can get this sh- uh, this show on the road."
